Saying NO to perfect sex

Say YES to perfect sex! So says Raymond Mcdermott. I mean, who wouldn’t? Most people I know wouldn’t say no to any sex, yet alone this ‘perfection’ that my friend Raymond talks about. Anyway, just to make it clear, when I say friend, I mean email contact. And when I say email contact, I mean someone who somehow knows my personal email address and messages me from time to time about my erectile dysfunction (yep, I have major problems in this department apparently and not having a penis doesn’t seem to warrant a good enough reason why I can’t get it up).

As you may have guessed, I’m talking about spam. Not the sweaty meaty type that comes in a can, but the equally unpleasant stuff that invades my email account almost daily.

Now I’m not anti direct mail by any means – it’s a good way of grabbing new customers for businesses. Yet I would appreciate a little more effort by way of personalisation. People should make a bloody effort. My name is a girl’s name – I’m not a ‘Toni’ or a ‘Francis’, or even an ‘Alex’, the chances of me having penis-related problems are non-existent. And I am 26 – do I really need Viagra yet?

Improve your sex life! Says Dino Bunch. Well, thanks Dino, but I don’t like the insinuation that it’s bad already thanks very much, especially from someone called Dino. It gets worse however. Girls don’t like you? We have a solution! Says Homer Buckner. Well they do. And I like them. I don’t see the solution here. Other than changing your name by deed poll.

She will love you more than any guy, says Casey Smart. I take it ‘she’ is bisexual then. But wait, what’s this that Hugh Land is telling me today… You can drill your woman all night long without having any worries. Err… I think my woman may be a little concerned if I turned in with a Black and Decker under my pillow.

But a personal favourite of mine has to be from the so wonderfully named Trina Slaughter. For a start, if you are going to call yourself a made-up name to attract customers, choosing a word that conjures up images of meat hooks and hacksaws may not be the best starting point. But it is what Trina offers that intrigues me… Apparently: She reveals all the juicy secrets that women will NEVER tell you and she does it with a smile on her face. Her proven-to-work tips cover all of the basics, so this is a great starting point for new pick up artists. Attract women like a magnet with these techniques!

If I didn’t think that I would pick up the computer equivalent of an STD on visiting Trina’s site, I could be tempted. Don’t go assuming that I am a ‘pick-up artist’, I am just curious. Dating tips from someone called Trina Slaughter can’t be underestimated, even just for the novelty value. Plus this smile on her face while she tells ugly people how to pull – it’s got to be worth a click through maybe?

Back to the point though, where the hell do these people get their data from? Which company have I forgotten to tick/untick a box on a form for and, as a result, have signed away my entire life history to without my knowing? I guess this is the point  they haven’t got it from anywhere, because, according to their records, I am a really lonely man who can’t get it up and has a health condition that requires inhuman amounts of prescription drugs that I can only buy in Canada from a chap called Reed Dickson (who interestingly informs me that my happiness is tightly connected with my health condition).

If they want people to click through to these sites, there’s got to be at least a very thin air of knowledge about who they are sending these emails to. I don’t need Viagra (not yet anyway) and I don’t have a painkiller addiction (despite the wrath of Satan descending on my womb every month).

So I am taking a stand. I am deleting my Spam inbox and saying no to Dino, Reed, Homer and Trina, and saying NO to perfect sex.