I am 55% gay, 45% hetero, apparently. I have been told this number-specific diagnosis by a Swedish gay pride website that did not actually ask me a single question, other than my gender and Twitter user name. Fascinating stuff or just a pile of steaming stuff? It did, at least, lean in the right direction given that I am a gay woman – although apparently, by definition, I am a ‘hetero hybrid’. I take this to mean a bisexual? Inaccurate, but what a way to put it.
This online gaydar must be pretty hit and guaranteed to miss given that it doesn’t ask you any personal questions. It said I had mentioned the word ‘ass’ in my previous twitterings. It is a far stretch to imagine that by mentioning ass, that I have gay tendencies – do straight people not have asses too? Ironically enough, I was referring to a donkey at the time anyway. So there, you big gay online judge. More worryingly is the other words listed which identified me as a queer ‘un. I shall list them and then wait for a gasp of united astonishment… ‘Brilliant’, ‘Broad’, ‘Boom boom’ and, of course, ‘Gay’ – by merely mentioning the word you are condemned to a life of sex toys and lube.
Let’s analyse (anal..yse… will that sound me out?)… ‘Brilliant’? What is this? What is gay about the use of this descriptive adjective? ‘Broad’? Are we talking asses again or maybe beans? Okay, there may be a tenuous lesbian link in the latter, but this has got to just be bullshit. My favourite is ‘Boom Boom’. I don’t even remember saying this one – was I quoting the Outhere Brothers’ 90s classic? This contains the lines ‘Put your ass on my face, I love the way your pussy tastes?’ Have I found the link? Pussy? If so, then the old lady that donates to the Cat Protection League is gonna end up more gay than a butch with a hard hat and a power tool. If so, then I deserve to be burnt at the stake, not called a hybrid. Forget witch hunts, hybrid hunts are the new craze. Burn the bisexuals and the world will be a more balanced place don’t you reckon?
I speak in jest of course. I’m a lesbian, I can’t be prejudiced – not even a tiny bit. Not even to bisexuals, and Christ, everyone hates them. If bisexuals were lemmings, they would be buggered (not literally), never knowing which path to take, standing stammering and sweating at a crossroads like Shaun Ryder trying to go cold turkey.
I’m being silly. But it’s a valid point. The gay community doesn’t really ‘get’ bisexuals and their life of sexually ambiguous limbo, in the same way as the straight one generally doesn’t. The world is so confusing that we need to put stuff in boxes. It isn’t always practical, or nice, but people that don’t fit in boxes (bisexuals, fat people etc) just get our goats.
I read a ‘news’ article the other day in which Duncan from Blue outed himself as bisexual. This is straight from the horsey one’s mouth so isn’t some tabloid lie – in his own words, he told it how it is. It’s not an easy thing to admit, especially with the North Korean-style armies of teenage girl fans that keep him in Timberland and not Top Shop clobber. He says he has had relationships with both sexes and this is what makes him happy. Far be it for any of us to judge. Most people who feel like he does keep it under wraps.
When coming out I was tempted to say I was bi in an attempt to cushion the blow to my parents’ ears – at least there would be a 50/50 chance they might think – but I changed my mind as they would be constantly awaiting the smell of aftershave at the door when I went out for a date. I couldn’t cope with the pressure and expectations – I would forever be letting them down – far better to disappoint them just the once.
Being bisexual must be very difficult to announce – to some people it’s like saying ‘I’m not fussy me’ – or worse – ‘I’m a greedy shagging bastard and will fuck anything that moves’. Truth is, I actually think most people are bisexual, but it’s a bit like autism – there’s a spectrum – i.e. lots of grey space and fuzzy edges. Why not? People are strange, as The Doors once said – if we can get past physical barriers such as ugliness, bad teeth, mullets, too much fat/too little fat etc, then surely we can get past a pair of tits/bollocks? It’s personalities that count, and it’s easy to fall in love with them. No, this isn’t just wishful thinking on my part.
Which brings me, very nicely, full circle to that silly online quiz that I took earlier. I was at first a bit annoyed to read that I was a ‘hetero hybrid’, choosing usually to define myself as a lesbian, not a hetero anything, yet alone something that describes an unpopular mode of eco-friendly transport. But thinking about it, what does it matter? We’re all a bit hetero, even me, and we’re all a bit homo too. It doesn’t define us, just adds a bit of colour to the grey.